Tim Roast

My friend Tim Roast made some suggestions to my act, and it made me laugh so I thought I’d share.

Hi Darren

I read about how you wanted to do stories. I don’t think you need to but hey-ho. I had a bit of spare time so here is some material that you could open with:

Yes, it is IÖ Lurch from the Addams family. (Lurch noise)

No, Iím not Lurch, really I am Jaws from James Bond (slowly do a big grin)

No, Iím not Jaws, no, theyíre braces. Really I am Peter Crouch (do Robot dance).

Now Crouch when asked what heíd be if he were not a footballer replied heíd be a virgin. I know how he feels.

No, Iím not Crouch, really Iím Big Bird from Seasame Street (Big Bird noise).

No, Iím not Big Bird, really I am a real bird, yeah, a heron. (Heron impression)

No, Iím not a Heron, really Iím an animal, (impression of a giraffe munching high-up leaves) what animal do you say I am? (Audience reply: Giraffe). No, a stick insect.

No, Iím not a stick insect, really Iím a giraffe.

Not, my neck isnít that long, itís a few inches shorter, really Iím a basketball player.

No, Iím not a basketball player, Iím not black. No, really I am the Big Friendly Giant from Roald Dahl (hold out ears).

No, Iím not the BFG. Really I am Damon Hill. Yes, Damon Hill, standing on stilts.

No, really I am just a giant. By the way I have size 25 feet. (lift foot)